I haven't posted for long time, because I've been sort of uninterested in everything. I've found it hard to get going or excited about anything. I suppose I've been a little depressed and, no doubt, hormonal. :-)
This baby is a blessing. :-) But I will admit to you that I was not wanting to be pregnant yet. I was wanting to have a breather between nursing and pregnancy, and some time to get my body back into shape. I am one of those women who can not take weight off while nursing. As a matter of fact, I usually gain weight after giving birth, and this past round of nursing has been no different. I ended up gaining another 19lbs after Baby K's birth. It's dismal. Plus, I've now had three babies pretty close together (the oldest of the three just turned 5) and I've just not had the time or ability to deal with it all physically.
Seriously. It's been a pretty wacked-out few years for me.
So. I was really *hoping* for a break. Really.
The beginning of this pregnancy was not the best. We took a trip to Amish country and got a nasty case of food poisoning. About a week into the pregnancy. It took me at least a month to fully get over that (anything that messes with my digestive system takes me a really. long. time. to get over. IBS. Yuck.) Then I found out I'd been pregnant the whole time. I mean, some things just are hard to get around mentally, you know?
Then when I discovered I was expecting another...well, all those stressful thoughts went through my head. The endless doctor visits, the stupid things that show up on ultrasounds, the doctors messing around in ways they don't need to, useless tests, running here and there, being told what to do, or not being believed when you know things aren't right, induction, hospitals, insurance, paying off what the insurance doesn't cover, engorgement, nursing, newborn sleepless nights...oh, I am just not ready to do all that again. We just did that.
I still have two in diapers.
My baby is just about to turn one year old.
I have three formal homeschoolers this year.
I mean, seriously. I wanted a break.
This is where it's at though. We are creating an eternal soul. We try not to mess with that process as much as possible, because we don't believe we are qualified to do so. I mean, if the doctor said to me, "Having another baby would kill you," well, that would be about the only reason we'd be really trying to NOT have another one. Otherwise, well, there just isn't a really good reason not to. We have been blessed with everything we could possibly need or want, to have more babies.
Anyway, I've gotten some info from some dear friends about a much more mommy-friendly doc here in town, and I'm going to try to see him. He works with midwives, and is very home-birth friendly. (Homebirth. Something I never thought I'd ever do. But if the hospitals are chock-full of swineflu patients in Feb/March, there is NO WAY I'm going there to have a helpless little baby. There are no birthing centers in this city. Not one. The only choices are home or hospital. )
Hoping I can get in to see this guy. I hear he is in high demand.
I guess that's where it all is at right now. I'm resigned to this pregnancy -- oh, of course I am excited to have another dear little one! -- but, the whole pregnancy/birth/newborn thing. Well, I'm wrapping my brain around it. Bear with me. I'm just being real here.