Hi everyone. It's been a year, can you believe that? Time for an update maybe.
So...I lost Nathanael. That has been really hard. I've only told one other person how that went down. It was so, so, so hard. His birthday was this past weekend. I skipped church and most other social occasions. The thing is, it's really hard when people say something and even harder when they don't remember or acknowledge that you lost your baby. It's just hard, hard, hard.
So since last year I got a certification in Education Support, a pretty good certification, in fact. I was really struggling with it until my husband lost his job, and then all of a sudden I could focus with perfect clarity and pulled it off less than 3 weeks later. I got a job. I like it ok, I probably don't have the patience it takes (I work with 27--60 4-year-olds) but overall it's a decent job. I'm teaching piano as well which takes a different kind of patience (it makes me really sleepy, I'm sorry...but the kids are lovely) and it pays well.
I went to see a psychologist. I was so tired and scared of feeling like a failure as a person, a mother, a member of society. I think it was all triggered by the loss of Nathanael. My anxiety ramped up to intolerable, I was having panic attacks, the whole shebang. The psychologist helped in a way (he is a behavioural psych so had very practical suggestions) but it wasn't the scheduling and other things he suggested that helped. (Scheduling? I am the schedule QUEEN lol). It was the simple sentence "you could get the degree, or not get the degree, but the time will pass anyway..."
Yes...I'm in university finally working towards that art degree I should have started 25 years ago.
As soon as I finished the cert,, I realized that I would continue to drive myself crazy over housework and scheduling and housewife stuff and feeling like less than human, or I could just accept that I stress over everything, stress is my modus operandi, and harness it towards an actual degree that I love. I chose the degree.
So far, (I'm doing a freshman-level drawing/research unit) I'm hitting a solid high A and loving it. I feel like a person. A real person.
I'll try to keep you all updated better from here on out. Love to you all!